To Owen, at 4 months

Dear Boogie Baby,

All I can really focus on for this letter is how quickly time passes.

When I got pregnant with you, we really prayed and hoped about the timing, and God blessed us richly. I wrote and spoke all along about how perfect it would be to be due in April, to be able to go out on maternity leave and just not come back before Summer break. On a professional level, it would be good closure for the parents and students, and it would obviously be awesome for me for many reasons.

I can't count how many times I said and thought "instead of six weeks of maternity leave, I will get 4 months," and "I wonder how I will feel when the baby is 4 months old. Will I be ready to go back to work?"

You are now four months old, and it is time to go back to work.

I am about to begin my 8th year of teaching. I have had teaching part time as a mom in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember, and it is hard to believe that it is now a reality. Accepting it as a reality has been what this week has been about. How will it feel to share a room with a partner? How will it feel to change grade levels? How will it feel to be away from you for any period of time?

The answer to all 3 of these has surprised me.

So far, it is AWESOME to share a room with a partner. I really think this was another part of God's providence. I think I needed to start doing something else with my brain, just for my own sanity, and coming into someone else's room who already has a system in place has been just the right size of a challenge. Jena is my partner, and it has been great working with her so far. We already seem to fill in each other's gaps, and bounce ideas off of each other. I can't tell you the relief it has been to know that I am not the sole person in the room who has to remember things, plan things, set things up and get things running. I have never felt as relaxed getting the room ready as I have this year.

I am also looking forward to teaching second grade. We have some students that I have already known and loved, and I have been joking this week that I am excited to have students who can walk in the room knowing how to speak clearly and sit in a desk (as opposed to Kindergarten, where you are never sure what you are going to get!). I look forward to being able to do more extension kinds of activities because they are more creative and independent and mature.

The last question is the toughest. I need to work to help daddy support our family. I do not need to work so that we can buy expensive things or live in a fancy house or live however we want. I need to work so we can have health insurance and food. We will have a little cushion, so we can still do small fun things every once and a while, but we also want to save and pare down our expenses so maybe Mama won't have to work someday. So, that does entail Mama leaving you with someone else a few days a week. Gramma and Pops were so sweet to volunteer. They obviously want to spend as much time with you as possible, but it is another thing altogether to be responsible for you on a weekly basis.

It has been a different feeling than I was expecting. I thought I would miss you during the day. I find that I am okay during the day because I am concentrating, and that feels kind of good. I know that you are doing great with Gramma, so I don't worry about you. The hardest part of the day, is the end of the day, when I realize how long I have been away from you, and I am rushing around, stressing trying to hurry up and get done so I can get to you. When I see you and you smile at me I feel so sad that I have been away from you all day and that I only have a few hours with you that I want to cry.

I think about the Worthy Woman of Proverbs 31. (Read it-- it's a great and inspirational passage) She was always busy and had a great attitude, and did what she needed to do for her family. I am doing what I need to do for my family, with the support of my husband, and now I need to have a great attitude about it. After all, I am blessed that I will only work 80 out of 365 days, and that this is enough to help support our family. There are many other women that would have to work many more days and hours to make what I will working so few. You will get to spend lots of time with other people we love, and even with Daddy when he gets off early. I pray that this will make you flexible and independent and confident wherever you are.

So, I am thankful that I was able to have as much time alone with you as I have, and know that I will always look back on sleeping in with you and spending all day cuddling with fondness. I know we are embarking on a new time that will bring challenges, but that's a good thing too.
On to other things from this month.

You had your first vacation, you learned to roll over (one day you couldn't, had never even tried it, and then the next day you could!), you can hold your own bottle, and you made a great impression on everyone you met. I have heard "he has beautiful eyes!" and "he is such a happy baby!" and "he is such a little man!" and "look how alert he is!" more times than I can count this month. People admire us when I am wearing you wherever we go.

You seem like you are this close to crawling. I don't want to rush you and I can't stand when parents say "my baby is so advanced." You are just you and I don't care how or when you develop. But, when I put you on your belly, you can hold your head completely up and are trying to draw your knees up under you. You move your legs back and forth and move your arms like you are swimming. It really looks like once you can get it all coordinated, you will be off!

You started eating more (you are at 5 oz. about every 3 hours) and still love sleeping. You like to take showers with mama or daddy and you like to sleep swaddled but you fight your arms out every night. You seem like you are listening and learning in the preschool Bible Class, but you like to stand while we are in the auditorium. Daddy got you and himself ready by himself for church one night when mama had an appointment, and acted like it was no big deal (as usual.)

One other little story: we have a new principal at our school, the illustrious Michele Rachielles was promoted from Assistant Principal. I have LOVED working with and for her these past few years, and am so proud that her creativity and passion were noticed so quickly in our district. I have been introducing her to others and "Our Principal" and calling her "Madam Principal." She shared the other day that she has been walking around saying "I am a principal." and "Did you know that I am a principal?" and "Have I told you that I LOVE my job?" I was so happy for her, but realized that I don't feel that way about teaching anymore. I did for a while, and I am glad that I got to feel that way for a while, but I am also glad that things have changed:

I am a mama.

Did I you know that I am a mama?

Have I told you that I LOVE my job?

Love,
Mama