Who I want to be when I grow up

Some dear friends from the short time we lived in Missouri came to see us today. They were surrogate parents to my mom and dad who were bewildered to find themselves living alone in the midwest. They were surrogate Grandparents for my sister and I, offering gum after church and threatening to pull teeth. We filled a void for them as well, as all of their children and grandchildren lived elsewhere.

I cannot express to you the inspiration that the Findleys are to me. They are joyful, passionate, focused, energetic and faithful, even at 80 years old. Kay cares about the right things, like how you are living, remembering a million people's birthdays (she still sends out cards on birthdays for just about everyone she has ever met. She had to switch to e-cards a few years ago when she realized she was sending out 50 cards a month!) and standing for the truth. Ray has the kindest face and the calmest voice, and I promise that I swooned today when he hugged me and drawled in my ear "Well, Darlin, I wouldn't have recognized you. You turned out beautiful like I knew you would."

I want me and John to be them "when we grow up." I want to know so many Christians that I can't go anywhere without knowing someone or someone who knows someone I know. I want people from all over the country to want to come stay with me, so much that I have to add on to my house to be ready for the guests. I want to be a shining light who is loving and caring but still able to speak the truth because that is what people need. I want to care about the right things, not celebrities, or what is annoying me at the moment. I want people to want to spend time with me, even when I am 80. I want to still be looking for ways to grow and ways to teach when everyone else is saying they are done.

I want to say things like "Death is nothing to fear, when you know God. It is a friend to those who are in pain." I want to laugh about the idea that laughter can be a symptom of dementia, and say "Well, I guess I laugh a lot, but it's how I handle things. I love my life, mostly."

To get those things, I need to make some changes. Changes in my outlook, what I think about, where I spend my time and what I am interested in. I need to take those things I am sure of (God, My husband, my family, my dogs) and build them up to help with those things I am not sure of (this world, my job, having children, how to handle confusing things).

I am crying my eyes out as I type this, just so you know. That's how strongly I feel that I need to become a better person. Please don't take this as depression, or low self esteem. Maybe it is turning 30, or maybe it is some well timed lessons and opportunities presenting themselves, but I feel ready to become a grown up. To me, this means no more "trying to be done with ________" and more "doing what needs to be done." It means watching less tv and being outside more. It means welcoming more people into my home. It means getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that make me nervous. It means thinking about my influence on others while not caring what other people think. It means having all the information and making the best choice. It means taking the pressure off and knowing that I am doing my best. It means waking up early. It means not only do I not get annoyed by stupidity in others, I don't even notice it.

Basically, it means all those things I have just been skating by on, knowing they weren't real life.

Is this going to be difficult? Yes.

Is it going to be worth it? Yes.

So, thanks, Ray and Kay, for being yourselves. Thanks for helping me see who I want and need to be.

May all of you have someone in your lives that you want to be when you grow up.