I guess I've pretty much told you everything.

But, I kept promising "the whole story," so I guess I will think of something else to tell you.

People have asked us if "we were trying," and is it just me, or is that the wierdest question EVER?!? I guess the answer is yes, but to me, TRYING means trying for years and years and nothing happens. Trying implies effort. I guess, putting it lightly, we were trying, but it didn't really take any effort.

Ew.

That is enough of that.

Anyway...

Moving on for reals.

It's wierd, though, that all of a sudden we were ready. Anyone who has been a reader of this blog knows that I famously discussed my lack of interest in having children, fears of taking that leap and overall happiness with our life as it is ad nauseum. I don't remember when, but at some point early this year, I became okay with it. Not obsessed with it, like  "It MUST happen NOW!" but more like "I think I would like that."

Everyone told me it would be like that. I guess I should learn to listen more.

John has always been so go with the flow with this entire subject, and completely unable to understand my need to plan and think about things. I started asking questions like "How will we know how long it will take? Should we try now, even though it's too early? What if it happens too late?" He has said all along that he will be ready when he needs to be ready and I wish I could be that way. I know that I like to control things too much, but it was very important to me to have a Spring baby, for many reasons. Spring birthdays are best for school, because you aren't to old or too young when you enter Kindergarten. I wanted to be able to have a good maternity leave, and I also think it will be nice to be pregnant mostly in winter weather. I always loved having my birthday in Spring, and I look forward to many Spring/Easter/Birthday parties.

I had a hunch that things had been successful as we first went back to school, but didn't want to say anything. I felt kind of superstitious about it. I also wanted to be able to have Back to School night not knowing for sure, so that I wouldn't be thinking about the fact that I should be warning the parents about maternity leave. It was easier not to know. I went home and found out that night.

I still wanted to give it some time, just to make sure everything was ok. After I had my first appointment (which was disappointing, by the way, because all they do is have you fill out paperwork) I felt better about talking about it. We called John's parents and my parents (who were out of town, like they are a large percentage of the time) and I texted my sister. John talked to his brother about it a few days later. We decided to keep it just to immediate family until my next appointment where we would be able to hear the heartbeat. I just felt that was what I needed to know that it was real and everything would be ok.

As it turns out, more people found out at this time, but it was understandable. Kim pretty much figured it out, John's parents were visiting family in the Midwest and couldn't resist, and my mom told some of her closest friends and even a waitress we have had at Vince's forever. Of course, they all waited to tell me this until after it had been revealed, but I figured it was inevitable.

I sort of put it out of my mind until my appointment. It actually has made the first trimester go by pretty quickly, because I didn't want to get my hopes up, just in case. It was a big relief to see the tiny little tummy and legs and knees and to hear its heart beating so loud and fast. When I was able to see it on the screen it was the size of a fig and yet you could still see details.

It still hasn't quite sunk in for me yet, even though I am sick and hungry all of the time, I am planning who will do my long term sub maternity leave position and I am getting much more attention than I am used to. I really look forward to finding out what it is (and the awesome reveal party that we am planning!) and thinking of it as a person.

I was feeling worried that I am not more excited when I realized something about myself: it takes me a long time to warm up to something or someone, but when I do, I am completely vulnerable and all in, with my whole heart. I knew that I would be with John forever the first night I met him, but it took me a LONG time to get to where I could spend a lot of time with him, sit near him, look in his eyes or be affectionate. Once I got there though, it was full force, and still is. Now I can't spend time with anyone but him. (Kalinda gets me, I know.) If John had not been patient with this, who knows where we would be. Once I remembered this about myself, it helped me to take the pressure off about not being able to say "I am pregnant" (I just typed it, though, which is growth.) or to feel excited and connected to this time. I know that once I get there I will be the mushiest, loviest, weepiest mom ever, if how I act around John is any indication.

Good luck to you all being friends with me when THAT happens!