*Editor's note: I did write most of this right after he turned one. I just now added to the end and finished it up.
Dear Owen,
You are one year old.
That is so hard and yet easy for me to believe.
Everyone keeps asking me, "How does it feel?" and I always say that it feels confusing. It's confusing because it feels like it went by so quickly, so much has changed and I can't believe how different we all are. But it also feels like it happened a million years ago, because so much has changed and I can't believe how different we all are.
I didn't feel weepy or overwhelmed or anything when it was your actual birthday. I was excited that almost everyone we love in the whole world was together for your birthday party and for Easter the weekend before, and that we got to have a fun lunch with Dada and Gramma and Pops on your day. I was glad that I was just HAPPY. Happy that you are ours, happy that we made it through a whole year, happy for what is to come, happy for how much growth we have all shown.
I really am at a loss for words to sum up this year.
It's almost comical now for me to look back at the things that I wrote about and worried about before you came. To think that there was a time that I pretended I didn't want a baby at our house. To think about how hard it was for me to get excited about being pregnant. I almost feel ashamed at how much of a hard time I gave my mom when she would want to shop for baby things or to even talk about it. I guess it was just fear over labor or the fear over how much things would be changing, or even fear of getting too excited and then something going wrong.
Then you were here. All of the things that I was worried about were replaced by brand new things I never could have imagined. Plus, my mind was like mush, my emotions were insane and my body felt like an extremely soft, flabby shell that I wasn't inhabiting. The thing that stands out the most from this time is that I just wanted to find some way to feel like things were normal. That became watching episodes of Psych with Daddy when he got home. Knowing that episode on netflix was coming in a few hours meant I could get through the chaos of the day. I knew that the emotions I felt were normal and that I was on a roller coaster. It felt manageable, and I gradually felt myself normalize.
Then things got great. When I look back on your first year, I think June was one of my favorite months. You started sleeping great, and our days consisted of sleeping in until 10 and then going for long walks. I was starting to figure out what you needed and to be able to predict you a little better. I wasn't so clingy to your daddy and Gramma. I could take you places and was feeling more productive.
Then it was July, which is when things started being not so great. I started feeling anxious. I started realizing that my emotional reactions to things were not appropriate for the situation. I starting feeling listless, like things were hopeless and nothing mattered. I had a realization that I was not ok when we were on your first vacation in Cayucos, my favorite place, with most of my favorite people and I just didn't care. I remember being on the beach and thinking "I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be home. I just don't want to be anywhere."
I knew this was different than the roller coaster of emotions that I felt right after you were born. I knew that I couldn't continue on living and thinking the way I was thinking, but I also felt like I couldn't see my way out of it. I talked to your Aunt Kell about it while we were still on that trip, and she made me feel as if I was not alone in feeling this way. She encouraged me to seek help. Your dad also noticed that I was not myself, and encouraged me to do whatever I needed to do to feel better. As soon as we got home, I met with Dr. Lacount. She was exactly what I needed. I was terrified to admit what I was feeling, because I wasn't sure how extreme my problems were, and was scared of what she was going to recommend. She instantly set me at ease by telling me that it is very common for hormones to swing the other way again at around 4 months post partum. You were almost exactly 4 months old when this started. She told me that there was no shame in how I was feeling, and that I had a lot of options for dealing with it. I will always be thankful for her advice and support and recognition of what I needed.
After the appointments with her, I started feeling much better. I realized that my head felt much clearer. It wasn't like every problem I had was solved, but it felt like I cared again. I had the power to cope, and just felt such peace and calm. Even though all along I knew that there was something to hope for and something to be happy about, I didn't have to force myself to see it. Even now, there will be times that I will step outside myself and notice "Hey, you are handling this great. Look how happy you are." Hence my favorite motto "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" I really try to do this, because I am so thankful to feel happy, and to notice it.
I want to make it clear, my boogins, that none of this EVER had to do with you. I ALWAYS loved you, and wanted you. I always loved Dada, and wanted to be with the 2 of you. I just started to realize that I didn't care about anything else. I would have been perfectly happy to stay inside our little house, just the three of us, and never go anywhere or do anything. Even in the worst of it, I knew that this wasn't the right way for any of us to live. I didn't write about it on here, because I hadn't had enough time to process it. I talk about it now because it is part of this year, this amazing first year of your life. It has been part of my mama experience. I have learned from it, and been refined by it. It has focused me on the kind of person, wife, mama I want to be, on what I have control of in my thinking and in my choices.
It is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to judge and something that you might have to deal with some day. Your Dad did a great job of helping me, and helping you, and I hope that by the time you are in our shoes that there is a lot more information and support available than there was for us.
After that, things got much better. I started back to school, and the timing couldn't have been better. Going back with the support of Jena Kerr, teaching 2nd grade with kids I love was another thing I needed. You flourished getting to spend time with Pops and Gramma, and I flourished getting to do something I love so much and getting to feel good at it. Getting to remodel out kitchen was an amazing experience, and your first holidays was so fun.
This doesn't sum up your entire first year, but it gives a different perspective. Your first year is definitely a mishmash of experiences, but they all add up to this amazing life the 3 of us have together.
I guess I wasn't really at a loss for words, huh?
As for this month of your life, it felt like A LOT was compacted into this month.
Your first girl cousin was born the day after you turned 11 months. We were so excited about Ryder's arrival that we rushed right up to see her. The most amazing part of this trip was that you seemed to change so much just after a few days of spending time with your cousins John and Miller. You seemed to mature overnight into like a real BOY. It was funny to watch you have a personality and to see it interact with people you had never really spent time with before. You were loud and talkative and friendly and a little rough with your cousins. Your independence in playing with toys grew over this weekend, and you had fun playing with Grammy and Grandpa and getting to be outside in new places.
That weekend seemed like it really changed you. You talk ALL the time. You really seem like you are copying what we are saying. You especially like words that use /k/ and /d/ and sound like you are saying everything from duck, to rock, to yucky to tractor. We think that we can officially say that "dada" and "doggy" are your first words, though. You wake up asking to see the "ga-guys" and you yell at them when they are barking. You also like to talk to dada on the phone in the mornings when we wake up. You are crawling everywhere, and into everything. You still eat really well, but are getting picky sometimes. It was in this month that mama started making you and Dada smoothies, and they have been very successful. You love drinking your kale, spinach and carrots everyday, as long as there are enough strawberries and blueberries in it as well.
This year has been the best year.
Thanks for that.
Love,
Mama
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