I am super pumped.

My mind feels awake, and I feel raring to go.

Nothing like getting your wheels spinning to make you realize that you have been inert for an extended period of time...

I have been presented with 2 opportunities that have caused this awakening: I was asked to participate in an online Bible study with likeminded women, and I connected with the art teacher at my school.

My brain feels stimulated spiritually and creatively, and that is a pleasant feeling, let me tell you.

The first opportunity has been perfect so far, because it involves reading and emailing, which is simple and not overwhelming. I also like that the topic is about working on your marriage, not because it is failing, but because we can all do more to work on being respectful and paying attention to what we are saying and how we are saying it. It is well timed because I still find it hard to believe that we will soon be a real family, that needs to function like so many if the examples that I have been raised with. I want to be a real "mom" and "wife" who happily fulfills her roles, and in order to do that I need to start stepping up and paying attention and doing the real work! Please don't pat me on the back and tell me "you have been doing the work!" because I am excited about my new role, and I am being honest that I want to do better than I have been. It has been nice to connect with moms across the country, some I know and some I don't know, and to hear what they are still working on, and how they have their homes function. This has awoken something in me that was resting, shall we say, since pretty much everyone who knows me knows that I attend worship regularly and there are things I do and don't do, but this has inspired me to do more, to be on fire, to set goals for myself and my family I can be confident in and to have my perspective in the right place.

The other opportunity is also well timed, because I have been feeling very discouraged about what my work situation will be like after the baby comes. I am realizing more and more how hard it will be to leave him, but I am also realizing that part of my duties as a wife will be to assist my husband financially if that is what is best for our family. It would be better to have a good attitude and do what needs to be done than to complain or worry that things are not how I want them. John works so hard, and does so much to provide for us, and we also are very careful with our finances, so that if we did decide that I need to work, it would be for necessities (like insurance) and not luxuries (eating out, getting my nails done). The best compromise I have is to jobshare next year, but it is proving difficult to find a partner. I am not stressing over it, I have made it a priority, and I have faith it will work out, but it is still weighing on me.

Anyway, it was with the mix of these frames of mind (concerned about the future with a renewed sense of awareness for how I can be better) that I had a long chat with the art teacher at my school. I have known her for a few years, and somehow we stood in the parking lot this afternoon chatting for an hour about how we feel about teaching. She is frustrated by the limitations placed on her as a part time teacher and struggles with her lack of desire to teach full time. I could SO identify with this, both as an exhausted full time teacher and a former part time art teacher! It was while talking to her that I remembered how excited I used to be teaching art, how it was all of the fun stuff about teaching with few if the hard things. That you constantly get to see that spark of kids' creativity waking up without having to worry about testing them on it. I remembered that it used to be my dream to have my own art curriculum, to market myself as a freelance art teacher and to one day have an abandoned red barn be my "school." I used to have visions of putting on drama and set design classes where the kids would write and perform a play on a set of their own creation. Kalinda would teach them how to make dolls. My mom would teach them how to quilt. My sister would teach them how to make programs and fliers and websites to advertise. My dad would teach them how to solder wire and make sculptures. Mrs. Palicki would teach them drama and existentialism. And I would do WHATEVER I FELT LIKE DOING because it would be FUN and CREATIVE and CAREFREE. Notice how none of these classes involve John teaching anything? That is because this was all before him. After him, I was happy didn't need to envision a dream job because I was thankful to have the job I had, and being married to him was all I needed. Or so I thought.

Obviously being married to John is still all I really need, but talking to Jennifer this afternoon pulled that pin out that had been placed in the art school conversation so long ago. It got me thinking that if I job share, I won't be at school everyday. I will obviously be focused on my baby, but I might also have space in my brain to work on my art curriculum again. Maybe I will even have time to use some of the kids I know as guinea pigs for my lessons. Maybe when my kids are big enough, I would be able to make enough extra income doing art activities a few afternoons a week. I could still be mama and wife most of the time, but get to serve my passion for that spark in kids' eyes too. Then not only would I be living my old dream, I would be fulfilling my roles at the same time.

That just gave me the Chills right now.

A path was laid open before me that makes a lot of sense. Both of these opportunities represent hope: hope of being better, hope of being fulfilled, hope of doing a good job, hope of going to Heaven.

Will it be easy? Of course not. But can it be reality? I can only try my best.

As far as the first opportunity, what I am learning and what I need to do is vital. I need to be awake spiritually and not just go floating through life not giving my best. Giving my best as a wife and a mama will only make my life better. The other opportunity is more of a "hmmmmm, that's interesting." I am going to go dig put my old rt bag nd see what comes to mind as I go through it...

All I know is that it is good to be awake and I want to keep it up.