Bittersweet: Friday was my last day of work for this school year.
Poignant: I am renewing my driver's license tomorrow.
The first might be a little more obvious than the second, but let me explain.
I had pretty much hoped/figured all along that I would be able to go out on maternity leave on the Friday before Spring Break. That day has come and gone, and that blows my mind more than I can say. I had differing thoughts about when I would want to go out, from thinking that it would be too much to try to get ready for Open House, and do report cards and conferences and leave my room ready for a sub all in one week and thinking that maybe I should come back the week or two after Spring Break to make sure everything was ready. On the other hand, going out on the high note of Open House (my favorite day of the year) and leaving my classroom in capable hands for the rest of the year was a welcome thought to me.
My doctor pretty much decided for me that I needed to go out, that I would need a few weeks of rest to "mentally prepare" for what was about to happen to me. I felt really guilty for some reason, like the parents in my class weren't going to understand, or like it was too soon.
I was relieved that pretty much everyone I told agreed that it was the right time, especially moms who worked up until their due date and regretted it. Even my principal was in support of me leaving when I did. What is funny is that last Sunday was the first day in my entire pregnancy that I woke up feeling awful. Not awful like "I want to complain about how awful I feel" but like "Man, I wish I could just stay in bed" kind of awful. That feeling continued throughout the week, where I started feeling like my normal amount of energy (not pre-pregnancy energy, but the "I love being pregnant and energized" kind of energy) was waning. That combined with having Miss Piggy like swollen sausage feet stuffed uncomfortably into shoes by the end of the day made me realize that the timing is right.
The bittersweet part, of course, was realizing that I was leaving these kids, Room 4, and all of the things I am sure I am good at for something really scary and exciting and different and unexpected that I am unsure about. I have struggled with teaching a combo and with some of these kids this year, but it is a struggle that I know as opposed to this new unknown little struggle that I am signing up for worrying about and caring for for pretty much the rest of my life, 24/7. Not that I am not ready for the challenge, but getting so many hugs from moms who were so supportive this year, and the blank stares from my little ones who don't truly understand what is happening to me (or that I won't be back) made it all hit home a little more.
Speaking of hitting home, on to the poignant part. In 2007, just before I met John, I had a nervous break down while teaching first grade. That group of kids is now in 6th grade, and is still widely considered to be one of the toughest groups to ever travel through our school together. I had taught them for 2 years, since there was no longer space for me in K after our first year, so I moved up with them. I thought that teaching was just supposed to suck the life out of you, that's how hard they were to deal with. On top of that, I wasn't used to the amount of paper work that was required during testing time for first graders, and I was a single, lonely, calorie counter who lived alone. All of these things combined into a perfect storm of insanity on one weekend where I was surrounded by a mountain of papers to be graded, recorded and interpreted that felt like an avalanche. I just remember looking around at everything I had to do and thinking that I would never finish and that nothing good would every happen to me again.
The following Saturday was a beautiful Spring Day, and I was done with testing and with report cards. When they say that something is "like a weight being lifted off of your shoulders" it is nothing compared to how I felt that day. I didn't realize how sagging my shoulders were until that day, when I felt like I could stand up straight again. I didn't realize that I hadn't been enjoying music or smiling until I did that day. The sun felt good on my face from my mom's convertible bug when she came to pick me up that morning to go to the Costa Mesa swapmeet. I remember thinking that I liked how I looked (which was unusual then, and OF COURSE, I would pay money to look like that again), that I felt thin, and that my hair was straight. I even remember that I was wearing a gray tiny fit Old Navy T shirt and jeans. The only negative thought I had that day was that I wished I was going out with my non-existent best friend or boyfriend/husband, but even that couldn't get me down that day.
Don't ask me why I remember this next part of the day.
Don't ask me why I thought of it the instant I got my DMV renewal papers in the mail.
Sometimes I am annoyed at how my brain overthinks and remembers everything, but if I didn't do that, I wouldn't remember the poignant moments like this that make me stop and appreciate what I have:
As we were walking in to the swapmeet, for some reason I said "I got my new license in the mail yesterday. I guess it is good for another five years."
pause
"It would be nice to think that I could have a different last name by the time I get my new one on my birthday in 2012, but I doubt that is possible."
In classic supportive mom fashion, my mom said: "Oh, don't be silly. You will be married and have 5 kids by then."
My thoughts immediately went negative, thinking, "Yeah right, I would have to know the guy right now to be able to marry him and have kids with him in the next 5 years."
Then we entered the Swap Meet and I moved on to what purse or pair of sunglasses I was going to buy that day.
Does it make more sense why renewing my license tomorrow is poignant, now? It is now my birthday, 2012. Not 3 months after that day at the Swap Meet, I met John. Not one year later we were married. Obviously, we don't have 5 kids together, but we have one, almost. All before I got my license renewed.
I guess the lesson is to listen to your mom. I believe that even more now that I am going to be one.
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