Just to clarify...

I love kids and I look forward to having a few of my own.

This revelation/confession/clarification comes as a result of rereading some of my entries. There is definitely a strong "anti-child bearing" stance that I didn't necessarily mean to convey. I feel also that this stance could be misconstrued and allow someone to form incorrect judgements about my maternal feelings.

The truth is that these maternal feelings are very deep in me. I have always loved babies, and babysitting always seemed like more fun that work. Playing and interacting with, feeding, and even changing the diapers of any kid who happened to be around has been my favorite thing since I was a kid myself. (The one that I spent the most time with is getting married in October! Yikes, that makes me feel old!)In fact, to this day, I would probably choose to spend time with anyone under 15 than someone my own age.

I love talking to kids of all ages, figuring out what they are thinking, what is important to them, and what their dreams are. It actually hurts my heart to think that there are children out there who are not talked to and discussed with, not tickled and teased, not cuddled and taught life lessons. I have conveyed this interest and instinct into a career, and I can't help but think that these same interests and instincts will also convey into being a mom.

So why the negative vibes on the blog and sometimes in conversation? I am not sure, but I think it comes from a variety of reasons.

First of all, I absolutely hate the fact that any time a young married woman even mentions anything about a baby, she gets the raised eyebrows and the questions that rise remarkably in pitch as they end. "Soooooooooo, when are yooooouuuuu going to have a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbbbbby?" (insert the whiniest voice you can imagine and you will get the picture) When I feel cornered like this I instantly become negative and confrontational, and my answer to this question is usually: "Never." I say this just because I am annoyed by the question.

I think this made me very hesitant about how I talked about babies and being a mom on the blog. Since I am not really sure who reads it, and I can't explain myself further if someone misinterprets what I write. This makes me very careful with my words, and also makes me more likely to exaggerate my lack of interest in having children.

Even now, I feel nervous about someone just reading the first sentence of this blog, and skipping the rest. I promise, if I get any calls about being pregnant, I WILL NEVER HAVE KIDS!

And last, I think saying that I am hateful about having kids (I have actually said that in a conversation) comes from fear of the unknown. Because I have spent so much time with children of all ages, and I have spent so much time with moms that I respect, that I understand the seriousness of the job of being a mom. Seeing every year how badly parents can screw up their kids when I have them in my classroom makes me wary of messing up. Seeing how much work and lack of sleep it takes to be devoted to your kids makes me wary of giving up the freedom that John and I are enjoying so much. Seeing how much heartache comes from knowing that being "mean old mom" means you are doing your job right makes me nervous that I am not strong enough to go through it.

Everyone that I mention this to says, "Yes, that is all true."

What else they tell me though, is all the reasons that it is worth it. All the reasons that can't be counted or named or listed but they are powerful and true. They tell me too that it is over so quickly that this time of fear and indecision will one day be miniscule in my mind.

The advice that is quickly rising to the top comes from my dad (as is usually the case): you are what you believe about yourself, and what you say about yourself is what you believe about yourself.

If I hear myself say "I'm scared." or "I can't do it." or "I will screw a kid up." or "I would rather have my sleep and my freedom." then I will believe it, and it will be the truth about myself. Are these statements what I really want to be true about myself?

On the contrary, if I say "I can't wait to sing along with the Beatles with my kids." or "I will raise my kids to be Godly." or "I want to be a happy mom who can laugh with her kids." then I will be believe that and it will be the truth about myself, which is what I would much rather believe!

So, in an effort to get myself to believe things that are good, I am going to dwell on the things I look forward to about being a mom.

Now, all of you who have read this post, know that I hate being misunderstood. Please don't misunderstand my desire to be positive about the future to mean that I am going to get pregnant tomorrow. Please understand that I AM NOT. What I am going to do tomorrow, is think about my future, and imagine happy kids in it.

PS On a totally different note: my living room is almost done, and I wanted to wait to put in the finishing touches before publishing it on the blog! Hopefully it will be ready by tomorrow...